College years-Part 2 of my testimony

I went to college for Music Therapy. Music has always been, and continues to be a major part of my, and my family's, life. I was in music contests every spring. My mother faithfully would support me and accompany me as needed while I was in vocal and flute contests. I was in band and choir. I learned that performance was everything. Appearance was everything.

So, it seemed to everyone that I should go to college for music. I really wanted therapy. Music therapy was my compromise.

College was a struggle for me. I was a loner and was lingering in a secretive relationship. Depression engulfed me. I would go to class and then return to my dorm room and sleep, just to "get away from it all". Music theory class was exceptionally difficult. I have been told that it is one of the most difficult things to learn. I was pretty much a straight A student in high school. Now my grades were slipping. I couldn't handle that. Finally, my music therapy teacher suggested that I consider occupational therapy.

It was also during this time that I was invited to a Christian get-away weekend with my cousin at her college. I was touched and it was here that I told the Lord that I was giving Him my life. I had a new hunger for the Lord and started participating in a Bible study. I went to work on a dude ranch in Montana after that first year of college. I wanted to "start over" in many areas and a physical change did really help to make a clean cut. I got a mountain bike and started riding. When I was told about a Christian family that had a Bible study, I rode the 10 or so miles to their house on my day off to introduce myself to Gary and Leta Morton. This started a friendship that has remained to this day. They were spiritual parents to me and I needed it despirately.

Back at college, I found a ride to an Assembly of God church and ended up meeting a lady who is an occupational therapist there. I went to observe her at work and decided to make a change in my major. This meant changing colleges, so I started searching.

Things were starting to turn around for me. I met a friend during my second year of college that is still a good friend today. She is just plain goofy, loves the Lord, and exactly the type of person that I needed to help me learn how to enjoy life.

Unfortunately, this is also the time that I finally realized that things were not going so well at home. My parents had had issues for years apparently. I was oblivious at the time, being so wrapped up in my own life. Now, things were at a crossroads for them. My dad eventually moved out.

I found a college that had occupational therapy. I applied and was accepted. Looking back, everything went so smoothly. It was as though the Lord carried me through this transition.

The summer after my second year of college, I was able to go on a mission trip to Mexico with YWAM. It was here that our group was meshed with a group from a church in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area. Since I was going to be moving there when I transitioned to my second college, they invited me to look them up.

I started college on a new campus for my third year. My parents finalized their divorce and my dad asked me to help him move 4 states away. Even if unintentional, I felt in the middle of my parents. It was awful. When at my dad's new residence, I met another man and started yet another unhealthy relationship. The distance was God's grace. The relationship ended after a few months, but I was battered. I thought I was a Christian. What was I doing? Was I ever saved in the first place?

Beginnings- Part 1 of testimony

Being inspired by "Just a Daisy in the Meadow" and her husband's blog, "In His Image", I've been encouraged to share my journey with the Lord. This may come in increments due to length, but hopefully will be an encouragement to you as well.

Growing up in a small town in Wisconsin, I remember playing at "Ford Tractor" that my dad co-owned. We'd swing on the hanging chains that were meant to hold up engines while rolling on creepers that the mechanics used to slide under the tractors. We had a fort on top of my dad's office and we invariably came home black with grit and grease. These were the days when I would ride with Dad in the implement truck down to Iowa to get a new tractor and jump over and over in the piles of leaves that my mom had raked in our back yard in the Fall. I remember taking swimming lessons in our town lake and shivering beyond recovery it seemed, especially the older I became as my lessons were scheduled earlier in the mornings. Roller skating on the road with my friend was fun, but blacktop is not the smoothest thing to skate on and my legs would tingle for and hour afterward from the constant vibration. Those were the days of me driving our skidsteer out to our land outside the city limits to cut wood and riding our horse, Dandy.

I grew to love riding bike and raced along the road near our house so fast that neighbors told my parents that they thought that I would have a mighty crash someday. I did have some spills, but none that I remember being very significant.

In high school, I hung out with the "shop guys" and eventually started dating one. He loved his Chevy stepside pickup and dragracing. I was along for the ride. I remember wrenches flying across the old barn that he used for his garage when the carburator was not adjusted correctly AGAIN. He liked to snowmobile, but it always seemed to make him angry when it wouldn't work right or it quit.

I walked with him through the woods as he hunted for pheasant. I had never been hunting before. When he shot one, I had to carry it back. I really didn't like the idea of carrying it, especially when it apparently wasn't totally dead and it moved! I screamed...I couldn't help it. When we got home, he set it on the step until his mom was ready to cook it. We happened to look out the window to see a fox running across the field with it in it's mouth. He was mighty upset, let me tell you!

When he said that he wanted to get married after we had dated for 2 1/2 years, I panicked a bit. I had stayed in the relationship for convenience, not for love. I always had somewhere to go and someone to be with while I dated him, but I didn't love him and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not to be married.

I also worked at a local meat market at this time and so my time was full with dating and working. I felt needed and appreciated at work and was very devoted. I didn't care how many hours I put in and I would even look for additional things to do so I didn't have to leave. In some ways it felt like home. After I made the final break from dating, I put even more time into work and started drinking.

The ironic thing was that I was also the youth group leader at my church and was in the church choir. I remember people telling me there what a model Christian I was. I was a bit proud of myself that I could live two worlds so well and apparently fool everyone. I will never forget Margaret Olson though. She was one of the adult leaders of our youth group and battled with cancer. She passed away, but I remember that she was the one who helped me memorize Psalm 23 and there was something special about how she talked about heaven...

Organization gone too far

I love to organize. If it isn't organized, I've been known to lay awake at night figuring out a plan to put it in order. People have actually tried to count how many containers I have and have given up.

It's been a gradual process of finding the perfect strategy to access items quickly and efficiently in each corner, cupboard, shelf or closet. Containers, baskets or file cabinets have been some of my favorite gifts.

My current plan is to try my hand at building a rolling file cabinet/shelf unit to fit under my laundry table that I can roll out with homeschooling supplies/curriculum. While my husband is over fixing a car in the shop this winter, I hope to be sawing, nailing and glueing.

I've heard it said that it is easier to organize fewer things. Very true...and I need this reminder so that I regularly go through what I have and get rid of the "extra".

Jenna at My Three Pennies Worth (click on sidebar...I haven't learned how to make a link in my text yet :)) wrote a post about "Preparing for the Cold" that discusses the benefits of getting rid of "stuff".

We have a true story that has been told in our family about a lady that grew up in the depression. Every once in awhile we ask my grandma to retell the story to us.

This lady would go to the butcher shop and ask the butcher to use extra string to wrap her meat packages. The butcher didn't know why, but was willing to oblige. When she got home, she would use the extra string to tie her roast before cooking. She continued this for years.

When the lady passed away, her children were cleaning out the house. She was apparently a good organizer herself, but it went a bit too far when her children found a box labeled:

"String, too short to use"

It makes me laugh every time.

More

This weekend was a special treat for me. My husband stayed home from work to take care of our three children for the day on Friday so that I could go to a women's retreat by myself! It was a good time of fellowship and the Lord used it to point out quite a few areas that need pruning. Of course pruning is never fun, but I know that it promotes growth toward God.

I was riding to the retreat with a friend when she told me about something that she had recently learned about Eve. Eve had everything that she could ever want...a beautiful place to live...an abundant variety of things to eat...Adam, fresh from the Maker's hand...unhindered fellowship with God...yet she was enticed by the temptation of Satan.

She wanted more.
More wisdom.
More knowledge.
More.

At the retreat, one of the sessions also talked about this. God gives us things that are pleasant and unpleasant. We often come to God with a laundry list of things that we want. We often don't get everything on the list in the way that we wanted them. How do we respond to that? I tend to become frustrated with what I haven't gotten, becoming demanding in a sense, or hardening my heart, so that I can't enjoy those things that I have recieved.

It is the same in marriage or any relationship. We can have a list of things that we want from our husbands, for instance. We want intimate conversation, his shoes always to be put away, recognition that I finally got the back closet cleaned out without hinting at it, recreation time as a family, yet get all the jobs done around the house, family devotions and couple devotions, consistency and unity in child training... The list goes on and on. I tend to want it all and when I don't get it, instead of being thankful for what my husband did do, I can become bitter, sullen and angry over what he did not.

I'm finding out that it's OK to bring those longings that were not fulfilled to the altar of lament. Pray about them. Yes, even grieve over them. Give it to God. Then they are dealt with so that we can recieve those longings that were fulfilled with joy and appreciation...bringing them to the altar of praise.

Longings in and of themselves are not bad, but we need to recieve fulfilled and unfulfilled longings in ways that will promote relationship with the Lord and with others.

Off to the altar...

The Battle of the Wills

Last night we had cell group at our house. The discussion was about the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6. In verse 10, an interesting comment was made. "Our will to do His will needs to supercede our fleshly will." Fighting with our flesh will be a reality until we enter eternity, but as long as our will to do His will prevails over our fleshly will, God's ways will reign in our lives. Our fleshly will gets starved.

When an animal is starved, it can become quite ferocious in it's attempt to survive. Our fleshly will may not be much different. It may appear that our flesh, in a certain area, is starved to the point of death, only to have strong hunger pangs reignite it's furry. It is at these times that I often give in and feed my flesh, gorging in things that bring only momentary relief. Then the battle to starve that aspect of my flesh seems to begin all over again. Yet, I have some things going for me this time. I have a new or enlightened understanding of how my flesh fights and can bring about new strategies to help conquer it on the next go around. Most importantly, I have my Lord, who forgives and aids me as I seek His help.

The Lord obviously knew that this battle rages within each soul. He knew that it was a vital aspect in our walk with Him. He knew that we needed to continually pray that our will would overcome our fleshly will.

The Lord's Prayer is a rather short prayer, but He knew that this needed to be included, and for that, I am grateful.

The "Best" homeschool curriculum

This past weekend I was very blessed to be able to see two friends that I hadn't seen in a year+. It seems that true friends only take moments to be able to jump in and have serious discussions. Both are older than me and "veterans" in mothering, homemaking and homeschooling, yet still have some younger children. Their loving smiles and gentle words melted my rough insides. I picked their brains on so many issues and soaked in their wisdom.

"How do you deal with _______ issue in children?"
"How do you get your children to cheerfully help when there is work to do?"
"What homeschool curriculums do you use?"
"How do you make butter from raw milk?"
"How do you make a homemade healing salve?"

Sometimes they had encouraging words that I needed to hear right then, even if they didn't have a specific answer. Sometimes they gave more detailed directions (i.e. making butter, buttermilk, etc. from raw milk).

Most of their words were just plain wisdom. For instance, in my zeal to be the best homeschool mother, I have been on a seemingly never-ending quest for the "best" homeschool curriculum. It just seems to me that there must be one on the market that would teach my children everything in an easy format and fit our parameters for a Biblically based curriculum. I have been afraid that if I just pulled different curriculums together that I would miss some important thing that my children had to know. I wanted a one-size-fits-all program with simple directions and minimal preparation on my part. These ladies told me, "There are holes in every curriculum. You just need to find which ones fit your home, and each child the best."

I've been thinking about this ever since. Why didn't I get it before? Every curriculum, either in public, private or homeschool, is going to miss something. We can't know it all. We won't know everything in our lifetimes, much less in the 15 some years we are in "school".

It has put the pressure off. The focus is more on finding the curriculum that fits us and will instill a love for learning and critical thinking throughout our lives. They can't and won't learn everything there is to learn, but they can have the skills to learn what they need and want to know.

I have so much to learn, but I am eternally grateful for God's gift of wisdom that is passed down from those that have gone before me.

Growing Pains

The last week or two we have had some growing pains in our house. One of them has been in regards to starting homeschooling with our 4, almost 5, year old. She is a smart cookie, but there is a learning curve for me to determine how far and how fast to go. Yes, I am an occupational therapist, but I can sincerely say that I am NOT a pediatric therapist. Some have told me that they believe that teaching children early usually only makes them hate learning. Yikes! Yet, I have tried to balance all the advice as best I can. So, the last week or so has been an exercise in admitting to myself that she is not ready in some areas, but she is ready and eager to do others.

Even though the current curriculum that we chose teaches cursive writing in kindergarden, I decided today that she is not ready for that. I had guessed that, but now I know for sure. I talked to my husband today when he called from work and he said, "I didn't think she was ready for that." Sometimes I have to be hit over the head before I'll give up. We're going back to the preschool Handwriting Without Tears and that has gone well. There are quite a few manipulatives to make it fun.

We're going to read more. I went to the library and got quite a few books. One that we read today was on the flood in Grand Forks, ND a few years back. It prompted quite a bit of discussion with my children about floods like people are experiencing in the south. We then went outside in the sand and made dikes to protect our "city".

I had made some cardstock fish, painted them with the children, and then had them laminated awhile back. We put paperclips on them and went fishing with magnet-ended fishing lines today. Dry-erase markers work well on these, so I wrote some single-vowel words on the back that she had to read if she was going to keep the fish. I had been doing some reading with her before, so these were review words and she ended up keeping them all (even though she had to throw some back and catch them a couple times!) Then we went to her "house" to clean and cook the fish she caught.

She has to have fun and I have to have fun, and then we both learn a lot!

An exercise in Truth

Believing the lies can come easily at times, but I need to exercise my spiritual muscles in the Truth. Here is the tip of the iceberg:

God is bigger than my shortcomings
God loves me enough to have sent His Son to die for me (Matt 1:21, John 3:16)
People will fail me, but God will never fail me
God will never give me more than I can handle
I need not fear the future because God has it in control (1 Peter 3:12-14)
God has not left me comfortless (John 14:18)
The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
If I trust in the Lord, He will direct my steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
If I repent, He will forgive (Luke 13:3-5)
There is rightful and wrongful suffering on this earth (1 Peter 2:20, Psalm 34:19)
Emotions will often lead me astray
I need to give up control so that God can be in control

Lord, please help me to continually ingest your Truth to crowd out the lies that try to entangle me. You are the only One that can change me on the inside so that I can be who you want me to be. I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help...

I'm already feeling stronger :)