Guarding our hearts for the sake of our marriage

In response to a question that I received regarding this post, I am writing my thoughts on this important topic.

There are so many attempts by the enemy of our souls to bring division, distance, distrust and lack of harmony in our homes. Satan wants to break up families, or at least have them not function optimally. In addition, being a descendant of Adam, our flesh has it's own issues with submission, compromise, and overall love for self.

As women, we desire a strong, healthy, fulfilling marriage. But so often we are as the foolish woman who tears down our house (marriage) instead of building it up.

Prov 14:1
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh
it down with her hands.
KJV

For most women (and likely men to an extent-but I'm focusing on women), our attitudes and actions begin with our thoughts. Are we not instructed to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ?

2 Cor 10:5
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
KJV

How do we guard our thoughts...and hearts... as wives?

Who are we listening to? If we are listening to the world, or even our pie-in-the-sky expectations of marriage, we will see a few things. For one, we will see the portrayal of the "perfect" husband who is always understanding, supportive, giving us every heart's desire, an excellent provider, knowing when to talk and when to listen, basically has no faults...and is exceptionally handsome. No man can live up to these unrealistic ideals of perfection all the time. When we listen to this (or are even unconsciously exposed to it over and over), it feeds frustration and discontentment because our husband can't "measure up". We can even have a tendency to let our eyes wander longingly at another man who we think "must be better". Even if we would "never" think of being physically unfaithful, we can be just as unfaithful with our thoughts and feed a "woe is me" attitude. Obviously not helpful.

The other thing that society, and especially the media, portrays is the husband who is a blumbering idiot, who needs the wife to "take care" of him, keep him from making wrong decisions, needing to take things into her own hands to provide for the family and keep things in order because HE obviously can't do it. Pretty soon we start to view our husband in the same way. Instead of supporting him in his role as husband, we start to take over thinking that we know so much better what and how things should be done.

The society at large and the media are fairly easy targets. What about in our smaller circles of association? Are there certain people that you know that tend to gossip? Imagine this scenario (maybe you don't even have to imagine it):

"I just can't believe what Sue's husband did! The other day, he totally disregarded her need to have some alone time. She has really needed a break from all those children, you know. At least he gets out each day and can have adult conversation. He has got to be the most selfish man I know! I don't know what I would do in her situation, but I know that I wouldn't stand for it. She has to put up with so much. Poor, poor Sue. We need to earnestly pray for her."

So now that you have this information, what do you do with it? Most likely, it will be stored in the corner of your mind. You may say to yourself, "Boy, am I glad that MY husband isn't like that!" You also may think, "You know, I needed to get out of the house last week too, and even though I tried to hint at it, my husband did not 'get it'". So then the next time your husband doesn't "get it", you remember the previous time, getting more and more irritated. The seed starts growing. At this point, it doesn't matter that your husband has had to deal with grouchy and demanding customers all day at work, that he has a horrible cold, or that he is very preoccupied with things that the Lord is showing him. All that matters is that your perceived needs haven't been met.

Most times, we don't even need the "help" of others to feed negative thoughts about our husbands. It comes out of our flesh without any coercion.

"If things were this way, I would be happy."
"If only he would do ________."
"He has it so easy. He doesn't have to deal with _______ all day!"
(need I say more?)

So far I have listed some ways that our thoughts negatively affect our marriages. What about ways to feed good thoughts, that will only enhance and build up our marriage relationship?

How we pray for our husbands says a lot about our motivations and condition of our hearts. Praying that our husband would think on things of God throughout his day, that God would place a hedge of protection around him and that there would be opportunities for him to be a light in the darkness, build him up. Praying that he would finally see your needs is selfishly motivated. Yep, you may have legitimate needs that are not being met, but dwelling on them is not going to help. I'm not saying that we shouldn't pray for needs in our lives, but how we pray for them, reveals much regarding our heart attitudes. Lean on God. Through the struggles, He will help you.

We need to meditate on Philippians 4:8 (I've been enjoying the Amplified version lately.)

For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].
AMP

Don't forget 1 Cor 13:1-8

IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not
love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by
God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers ( the gift of interpreting the divine
will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and
possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove
mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and
if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not
love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].
AMP

Focus on the things that your husband is doing well. Having a thankful and grateful heart does wonders for a marriage. Think the best of your husband. That will guard you from making quick and erroneous assumptions about his motivations. All of a sudden, his going out to work around the house after supper is not an excuse to get away from you and the children. It becomes clear that he is a diligent provider, getting tasks done so that he can spend time with you later. His not returning a phone call is not him being insensitive and irresponsible, he was just really busy at the time and honestly forgot. When we think positively, we think thoughts of trust and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Stay away from those situations, people or environments, whenever possible, that do not promote supporting and uplifting our husbands is essential. If it means getting rid of the TV or turning off the radio, so be it. If it means not spending so much time with a particular person that continues to gossip, even after you have lovingly expressed your concerns about it to her, that is just the way it is. The covenant relationship with your spouse needs your total commitment. Willingly putting ourselves into situations that may tempt our thoughts to wander from the straight and narrow path is dangerous and unscriptural.

On the other hand, build friendships/relationships with other women who will encourage you in your role as a wife and mother, pray for you, and can give practical advice for the day to day challenges.

Subscribe to Biblically based Christian publications for encouragement. I currently subscribe to An Encouraging Word and Keepers at Home magazines (if you want contact information for Keepers at Home, please let me know). There are also many, many wonderful online resources. Donna Kauffman has a neat site. You can also contact Lois at this address: jhbreneman@juno.com to subscribe to an email-based newsletter and check out this site. Choosing Home and Biblical Womanhood are also excellent blogs. There are so many wonderful resources out there. Take advantage of them. We all need to be constantly built up in our Biblical roles because the enemy is working hard to tear us down.

Most importantly, stay rooted in Christ. Do not neglect time with our Creator and Sustainer. He is our hope and refuge, our constant help in trouble. As we focus on Christ, our eyes will turn inward toward taking the beam out of our eye and not focusing on the speck in our husband's.

Matt 7:3-4
Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother's eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother, Let me get the tiny particle out of your eye, when there is the beam of timber in your own eye? AMP

We are God's workmanship and He is molding us and shaping us into the His image as we allow Him to do so. For those of us that He has led us to be married, He is using it to prune us and draw us closer to Him. May we not fight against Him in the process.

Well, this has turned out to be quite long. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I am in NO WAY saying that I have all the answers and I've probably missed some "biggies". These are just some things that I have learned and gleaned from other's wisdom. If you have other thoughts, I would greatly appreciate hearing them.